I Used to Believe That I Wasn’t Worthy of Love

Ever since I was a child, I have dreamed of meeting the great love of my life. I remember I wanted to have a boyfriend and live happily ever after. Growing up, I realised that there is a big difference between dreams and reality.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14, I gave him all the love that I could give him and I thought he felt the same, unfortunately, the relationship didn’t go as planned, he left me with a huge void and so much disappointment. From that moment, I made my mission to find the right person a priority.

“Over time I lost hope and I became harder and harder on myself and less confident in men.”

I went from relationship to relationship, without thinking nor caring about the emotions of others, let alone my own. Every man who showed an interest in me was a sign that maybe they were the right person and that I had the chance to see if they were the one. This carried on until I was 26. Over time I lost hope and I became harder and harder on myself and less confident in men. I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult to have a normal relationship full of love, as all I wanted was to be loved.

In 2010 I started a relationship with my school sweetheart, I thought it was fate and we were meant to be together after meeting again 20 years later. Once again I was wrong because while I was on a solo trip to India, he decided to end it and not even bother to let me know about his decision. I came back feeling even more disappointed and depressed than I was before, I just couldn’t understand why it had to be so hard to find someone.

I said to myself, “This is it Carlotta! You gained so much knowledge in healing and the law of attraction, you know it works and that you should use it to find your greatest LOVE!” That’s what I did, every morning I meditated for about 10 minutes and I started to tap into the feelings of having the love I always craved, you know that kind I mean? The feeling of being loved and to have the right person next to me. I didn’t describe who that person needed to be, his personality traits or his look, because deep down the universe and I knew who I wanted and I deserved to have.

I carried on with this process for about 6 weeks and on Saint Valentine’s day I received an email from a guy called Julian whom I had met one year before through a friend, whilst living in the UK. I liked his energy, we had a good connection and we wanted the same kind of relationship, but I turned him down as I didn’t fancy him.

But when I read his email wanting to come as see me in Venice where I was at the time, my mind blew up and the voice within myself said “OMG, it’s him! It’s Julian!”, I was blown away as I realised that it was him who I was waiting for. After receiving his email, we decided that he was going to come and see me in Venice, where we spent 3 beautiful days together and we decided to make it official.

The relationship with him was different from all the other failed ones I had, it just felt right on every level, we were definitely meant to be. We had a long-distance relationship for about 5 months and I then decided to go back living in the UK again, where we moved in together straight away. We have been going strong ever since, almost 10 years later. We enjoy each other’s company, we don’t get bored together and respect each other’s space. We are just right!

What made the difference between the relationship I have with Julian compared to the previous ones was becoming aware that I deserved it.

Deserving is an essential part of trusting the process of manifestation and of love. If we believe we don’t deserve it, how can we expect to receive it? Sometimes this belief is stuck in our subconscious mind and we may not be aware of it.

I used to believe that I wasn’t worthy of love and therefore I didn’t deserve it, hence why the many failed relationships. Also, I grew up with my parent’s negative, untrustworthy relationship, so even though I always wanted to have a loving and healthy relationship, my belief system was telling me that all relationships were bad. Learning to love yourself first is important as it goes hand in hand with deserving. And when you love yourself, you don’t settle for less than you deserve. 

To my little self, I say:

I say that you are not your parents and that your life can be different than theirs, love yourself as much as you want to be loved by others because only then, you can attract your greatest love.

Carlotta, 37 | Brighton, UK

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