I Fell Into the Pattern of Toxic Relationships

Before I met my now husband, I was jumping around dating looking for something outside of me. I had left a 7-year-long commitment that I had thought was going to be for life. My spiritual awakening urged me to release that relationship and the comfortable veil of codependency, and enabling was lifted. Then, instead of spending time with myself, I immediately fell into the pattern of seeking out codependent toxic relationships while fearing commitment and running from those that offered it and getting angry at those that didn’t want it.

One day I listened to a YouTube video on how to manifest your great love and I did as it said; I wrote out on a piece of paper exactly the man I wanted; every detail I wanted him to possess, despite the voices in my head saying, “this is stupid, no one exists like this with ALL these qualities.” I folded that piece of paper up and put it at the back of a book, forgot about it, and went along with my life for the next few months. A lot changed in my life VERY quickly. I moved states, transitioned through several jobs, and was released by someone I was clinging to as my Twin Flame soulmate. 

“I don’t need to compromise and I DESERVE fairytale love happiness!”

A few days before my husband showed up in my office, my best friend and I were talking about what we would like to manifest that moon cycle. I had been doing a lot of inner work to realize that I DID want marriage and children. I wanted my Forever Love. I described that I wanted it all; passion, lust, love, desire, trust, commitment, family, etc. Because what is so wrong with wanting it all? I don’t need to compromise and I DESERVE fairytale love happiness! 

I am now married to that man I wrote down on that piece of paper months ago. Sure, we have our ups and downs. And this is truly unconditional love. We love and support each other through it all. We have a beautiful baby girl and we help each other towards our goals and dreams every day. 

To my younger self I would say:

Be patient; all is coming. And do your inner work; be your own great love first. 

Zhenya, 28 | Central America

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