I Feared I Was Getting Older and Would Never Find Someone

I was pretty much single for 6 years. My life experience was that it was more enjoyable to be single then in a relationship because I had only picked the wrong guys. I decided I was no longer going to get caught up in a situation or relationship that didn’t feel like it had great potential right away. 

In that time I did the Tinder thing and went on a lot of first or second dates before deciding they weren’t people I wanted to spend time with. I got back with an ex a few times but never for more than a few weeks and I almost married someone for money because I was ready to give up on marrying for love. Luckily, that didn’t work out! 

During this time I was also doing things to try and manifest real love. I would visualize living our day together, I wrote down the qualities I wanted in a partner and considered if that person would want me as I am or if I needed to work on myself. I did a lot of personal development and energy healing. 

I was also living as a digital nomad and moving countries every month or two so it was hard to meet people. I decided I would date once I got to Australia and I did. I hit it off with the first guy I met and we ended up keeping in touch for 6 months while I traveled and I ended up going back to Australia for him. He was quite younger than me which I didn’t like but he was Brazillian, so that was new and fun. 

A really good psychic told me he was my husband or is leading me to my husband, so even though the guy would ignore me for long periods of time I went back for him. About a week before I got back he stopped with the daily texts and his vibe totally changed. Once I got back to Australia, he told me he just wanted “fun”. A few days later he ignored me for over 24 hours, I got fired from my job that night and really needed a friend and couldn’t even reach out to him. So I blocked him. I realized being ignored is a deal-breaker and I won’t accept it ever again. 

“I trusted there are good guys out there if you keep to your standards and don’t settle.”

I was hopeful and felt like I could have real love. I trusted there are good guys out there if you keep to your standards and don’t settle. I was using Tinder, so I would instantly block if: 

  • They asked for more pics 
  • They talked about my body or sex 
  • They asked me to come over to their house 
  • They had kids in their profile 
  • They wanted me to come up with the plan (I wanted a take charge kinda guy who is capable of planning a fun date)

It didn’t matter if we had been talking all week and we’re meeting in an hour. I would just block because it wasn’t what I was looking for. 

“Life is much more fun single and happy than in the wrong relationship.”

My fears were that I am getting older and I might never find someone. I had to be ok with this because life is much more fun single and happy than in the wrong relationship. My fear is still about getting hurt. Opening yourself up to love is opening yourself up to get hurt, but I knew I had to give it a shot. 

A few weeks after I blocked the previous guy I was going on a bunch of Tinder dates. These were high-value men who were taking me to nice places and showing me Australia. I was having a good time but they all felt like they were missing something. As the previous guy was from South America, I decided to try and date Latin men. I saw one cute guy that I matched with but he never messaged me. A few days later, I messaged him and asked him where he was from. He said Colombia and we started chatting. I asked him if he wanted to meet up and he planned the date. 

Funny thing was, he picked the bar next to where I had the worst date of my life with the Brazilian guy. We had the best first date and talked for hours and felt totally comfortable with each other. I thought this must be a good sign. 

On our second date, he told me he was going to Africa for 6 months in June for work which is why he never messaged me. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I was super sad. This is when I knew he was different, usually I won’t care. When he dropped me off that night he said message me any time of the day or night and I will always respond. WOW! I got exactly what I wanted, and fast. We have had amazing communication and openness since day one. 

Over the next 5 weeks, we had a whirlwind romance and fell in love. We never had a date for less than 4 hours. I quickly noticed he had all the qualities I was looking for when I broke up with my exes. We are planning on getting married and having kids next year but for now, we are separated for an unknown amount of time due to his job in Africa and Coronavirus halting flying. I had to come home to Canada. 

We don’t know where we will live or what will happen but we know we are lucky to have found this rare kind of love and are committed to our life together.

If I could say a few words of advice and/or encouragement to my younger self, I would say:

  • Let go of the past and forgive. 
  • Work on yourself and invest in energy healing. You can talk about your past and let it out but the painful emotions will stay in your body until you really move it out of you. 
  • Don’t settle for crumbs. There are many men who want real relationships, marriage, and a family. 
  • If you can’t accept the person for who they are right now, leave. People will not change because you hope they do or you see a higher good in them
  • If you catch yourself being toxic or if you have feelings of insecurity because of your past, get help. Life coaching, therapy, etc. 
  • You can have everything you want and need in a partner, keep looking. 
  • With the right person, arguments can turn into beautiful conversations. 

“If you can’t accept the person for who they are right now, leave. People will not change because you hope they do or you see a higher good in them.“

Amanda, 35 | Victoria, Canada

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