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The truth about break ups

I remember when I first had to deal with my breakup, I thought that it was going to be a lot harder than it really was.

I was surprised by how well I was handling it – however, it didn’t stay that way. The healing process is a rollercoaster, and soon after my initial reaction it became much, much harder. Perhaps everything was easier when my memory was still fresh from the breakup, but with more time that goes by it’s almost like it’s getting more and more difficult. It’s at odds with the common narrative of “time heals all wounds”, and for anyone going through a breakup, it’s probably not what you want to hear. That being said, we also all have different journeys, so my journey is likely very different to yours. We’ve all been in different relationships and there are a lot of things that determine whether it gets easier or harder. For me, it’s been really unexpected to feel the way I feel now, just because everyone told me it would get easier with time. I want to take some time to share the story of my post-break up healing process, and how it has gone so differently from the way I expected.

What my readers may not know is that this is my first break up. It was my first ever serious and long-term relationship, and after the breakup most people said things to me like “it gets better with time” or “in 9 months you’ll be over it”. Because of this, I’ve been putting expectations on myself for how I’m going to feel and when I’m going to have those feelings. I’ve realised that it doesn’t work like that at all! Back in April I thought I was done grieving, I’d almost decided that I was going to be over it. With time however, circumstances change. New insights come up, other suppressed feelings come up, and you find new things that will trigger your sadness. It’s impossible to force yourself to be done grieving by a certain time, especially when you’re going through a really deep heartbreak. I’ve also been judging myself for feeling a certain way after a certain amount of time and that’s obviously not helpful either.

This is exactly what happens when we put expectations on ourselves, on where we are or where we should be, on whether we are feeling how we think we should feel. When that happens you start judging yourself, beating yourself up and suppressing your emotions because you feel that this is not how it “should” be. You are resisting the process – placing all of your energy into resisting rather than putting it into moving forward naturally. Instead, give yourself permission to be in this healing journey. This is exactly what I’m going through now, so instead of beating myself up, judging myself and trying to distract myself, I am allowing myself to feel whatever comes up in order to understand it. It’s all coming up for a reason – we need to allow ourselves to work through it rather than push it away. What you need right now is all the love and acceptance that you can possibly get, so try to really give that to yourself. Understand that whatever you’re thinking is okay – whatever you’re feeling is fine, it’s all a part of the process.

One of the reasons behind why I’m feeling really heartbroken again is because I had not spoken to or seen my ex in about 7 months. I blocked him everywhere, made it very clear when he tried to talk to me that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, and made it clear that I didn’t want him to contact me at all. I knew that he had things to say, but I thought that I could move forward and get closure without needing to meet up with him. Time had passed however, and I still felt like things were so unresolved and up in the air. So, we decided to meet up. It was really nice and that was completely unexpected for me, because I went into it thinking, “now I’m going to get closure, I’m going to have that last chat with him and then move forward” – and it was everything BUT that! He said everything I could have ever wanted to hear, we caught up on life and talked about the relationship. So, that made it a little bit worse – or a lot worse – and it triggered even more sadness in me to the point where I felt like I was back to the first day of the break up. That’s mentally where that event took me – I got home, I was on the floor crying and screaming, and just thinking about it over and over again. The whole weekend I was keeping it together on the outside but I felt so broken on the inside, and so it’s been really difficult for me to accept that it’s really over. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without my coach helping me through all of those days, so if you’re not seeing a professional to help you through your pain, I highly recommend that you do. For all of my readers who are experiencing heartbreak, I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and I know how hard it is.

Your feelings are valid and whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay – even if a lot of time has passed and you feel like you should be over it, don’t beat yourself up for it.

Accept whatever you are feeling right now, accept that it’s okay and don’t judge yourself for it. Heartbreak is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to go through. It’s so important that we’re all kind to each other and to ourselves, and that we honour our feelings. It’s important that we send love to the parts of us that are sad. It’s never easy to move on from heartbreak and it will take a lot of time, we just need to accept that fact. Never put a time limit or pressure on yourself to heal in a certain way or by a certain time. It’s important to keep in mind that healing is a journey, not a destination, so you’ll never be fully done with it. Your healing will occur over different stages in different parts of your journey. I still have so much healing left to do myself, and so much letting go to do. When we feel like this, it’s all about taking one step at a time, almost like we’re in survival mode. We just need to get through it one step at a time, one day at a time, and do what we can today that will make us feel better.

I know that going for walks and doing yoga always makes me feel better, and working on a project where I can see my progress. Since the break up I’ve had these things that I’ve been focusing on, and when I see progress in the projects I’ve been working on for so long, that feels so amazing. I’m now excited to start my next project, but I also don’t want it to be a distraction from what’s going on with how I’m feeling, so I really need to be mindful of still honouring my emotional journey and not fully distracting myself too much. I also highly recommend that you start a project, whether it is has to do with a body or health goal that you have, learning a new language or even learning pottery-  whatever it is, it’s just nice to have a hobby or project that will increase your confidence and help you see progress. For me, it’s projects within my business or even public speaking. Make sure you find something that you love that motivates and encourages you to see some progress. 

Another thing that’s been coming up for me is still feeling the connection.

I’ve done lots of cord-cutting meditations and practices and it helps for a few days, but then I fuel the connection again energetically. It means that in person, it’s like it’s still there. I end up wondering if that feeling will ever chance, because sometimes it feels like a piece of me is missing. I went to see a medium who told me that we have been together and even been married in past lives, and we go back, way back through the centuries. Maybe you feel the same – for example, if you feel that you’ve known someone your whole life, but you’ve only actually known them a few years. It might be because you’ve known them in your past lives. I wonder if that connection will ever go away, or if it’s just something we have to accept is going to be there.

Some weeks I have nightmares, like three or four times a week, and it drives me insane. If this happens I often wake up in a really bad mood, so my key here is to have a dance party to raise my vibe and shake it off. Of course, I’ve had times where I’ve even considered going back – part of the “bargaining” stage of the grief process – and I wonder what would have to happen for me to go back. 

Often when I talk about break ups, it’s always in a very empowered tone, but I wanted to be really honest with you guys. Sometimes, it’s not all independence and queendom. Sometimes it’s just really hard. I wanted to let you know that I still feel all these things, that it’s really difficult at times for me as well. I also wanted to share what has been going on for me and how I’m feeling, because sometimes the best thing you can do is just get it off your chest to help you come to terms with what you’re going through and process all the emotional heaviness that comes along with it. On the other side, a lot of the time we need to hear that we aren’t alone, that someone else is going through the same thing and you can relate to their story too.

Finally, I want to end this blog post by sending you my love. I’m sending out love and lots of healing vibes, and I want to remind you that you are not alone. There are so many of us going through the same thing, going through heartbreak – but we are in this together.

I created my FREE Breakup Tool for anyone and everyone who is struggling through their breakup, no matter where they are in their journey.

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